I never thought I would write this. Never imagined this would be necessary. Never conceded the possibility that people would do what they have done, and be okay with it. Can they get away with “Oops, we didn’t realise”? Were they really so focused on the other side of things that they did not notice? Is that just for people who have a grain of a thought, surrounded by other people with braincells, so at least one of them goes, “Hey, um, maybe not that”. 

This is writing that I never want my girls to see while they are still children. If they ever see it, I want it to be a surprise. Mum, what are you on about. What on earth happened. How did nobody notice for two months. Is that why you were suddenly grey. Is that why there were hushed phone calls and suddenly-closed computers and tears and lawyers.

And I want them to be proud of me, but not now. I need to earn it. I want them to be proud of their mum for fighting for decency and changing the law. I want them to know the importance of this, without understanding how crucial it is.

I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to know what has happened. I don’t want them to know the fear I have now when I take them anywhere. When someone smiles at them – as people have been doing since they were born – it no longer brings me joy, but anxiety. What do you know. Have you seen my child somewhere you should not have. How recognisable is this child right now.

I don’t want anyone to know the fear of what might be happening Out There, Out There where there is no knowledge and so no limit. I know far more than many what can happen Out There and it seems a cruel plot point that a job I had due just days before this began was the vilest CAM case imaginable. Worse than imaginable. Beyond nightmares.

It’s horrible to see a news story and feel personally attacked, even when there is zero mention of you in it. Read the comments and cry yourself to sleep knowing that those comments are associated with your child. Know you can’t respond because Internet Commenting wasn’t taught at high school and you value the safety of your family over being heard in the clamour.

It’s horrible to google the things that I have had to google recently, things that have had people in an uproar, things that have made jaws drop and eyebrows jump, and find the answer that, actually, no. For all that happened, you have little recourse. What happened was actually legal.

Kind of.

It’s the kind of that I’m going after. This cannot be the case, and so I’m going to change it. I’m going to gather up my brave, put on my calm mask, instal the private school mum voice, and fight. 

Because this should never happen to anyone, ever.